Where does Batman v Superman's mauling leave Warner's plan for a DC comics cinematic universe?
Despite the 30% Rotten Tomatoes score, you probably rushed out and gobbled up this picture with the reckless abandon of DJ Khaled confronted with a horse trough full of fried chicken. You – the hypothetical reader whom I am very certain is terribly attractive, very intelligent, and wise beyond your years – probably want someone to explain what it is you just witnessed. I would like to offer up my expertise free of charge so that you might better understand the many layers of this motion picture event. I warn you now that this is a spoiler-heavy article, so if you haven’t seen the film and want to remain untainted, please click away immediately. I won’t mind. I mean, you’ve already clicked on it anyway, so cha-ching.
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The film opens with one of many dream sequences. Let me just say here early that Batman v Superman is mostly dream sequences, and those scenes that are not dreams still seem to function as though the basic laws of reality do not exist. Granted, this is a film about an alien and an alcoholic billionaire pervert throwing each other around in the rain while grimacing heavily. I should probably cut it some slack.
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Anyway, Bruce Wayne dreams about his parents being gunned down in front of a movie theater. This is intercut with Bruce Wayne tumbling down a hole where he discovers a massive gathering of bats in a cave. These bats swarm around him, magically lifting him up and out of the hole while he strikes a Christ pose. In other words, we are off to a smashing start. After that, we witness Metropolis being wiped out by Superman and General Zod from the last movie. Superman destroys one of Bruce Wayne’s buildings by accident, which makes Wayne hate Superman. This is an important plot point. You see, Batman only approves of the destruction of private property when he’s the one doing the destroying. Later in the film, Batman tears through the city in his own personal tank, blows up some cars, shoots up a building with his Batwing, kills numerous anonymous henchmen, and lures a dangerous mutant back to a populated area without a coherent plan to defeat it. But he’s not an alien, so it’s OK. I should also mention that Bruce Wayne has a second dream about his dead parents in which blood pours out of his mother’s tomb, then explodes to reveal a demon inside of it. I think maybe he has some unresolved issues.
Bruce Wayne is not alone in hating Superman. The United States government is none too pleased with the last son of Krypton leveling large parts of a major city. Lex Luthor, a wealthy businessman and scientist, also hates Superman. Now, you probably couldn’t quite figure out why Lex Luthor hated Superman so much. Unlike Batman, he has no clear professional jealousy. In fact, in a brief aside, Luthor mentions the construction projects his company undertook after Superman wrecked Metropolis. If he had just kept his mouth shut and let Superman topple a few more buildings, he could have kept raking in the government contracts for decades to come. Instead, he spends most of the movie trying to get Batman and Superman to fight, then creates a monster in a pool of brown toilet water for no reason. I thought this guy was some kinda genius? It doesn’t make sense at first, but upon second viewing, it’s clear that Lex Luthor is actually a malfunctioning android and his moronic behavior is due to his circuits being fried. Every bizarre character choice can be chalked up to what I like to call the “Android Defense”. Something happened in Batman v Superman that doesn’t make any sense? It was probably done by a secretly malfunctioning robot.
Sorry, got a bit off track here. Batman has another dream, where Superman has become a fascist dictator with his own army of stormtroopers. Batman is a lone freedom fighter rebelling against Superman’s iron rule. At the end of the dream, Superman punches a hole in Batman’s chest. Batman wakes up and sees The Flash (not identified as such, I just know because I’m a nerd) inside a time vortex. Flash explains some important plot points for another movie, then disappears. Why is The Flash invading Batman’s dreams? Why did he travel back in time? He’s got to juggle a lot of balls and he only has one butler to handle all of his affairs. He’s not a huge note-taker and doesn’t maintain an iCal. Things slip through the cracks. That’s why he sent The Flash back in time in the first place, like a really elaborate Post-It note. Unfortunately, if Batman had never forgotten about his dream, he never would have sent back The Flash to remind him about the dream, which creates a major paradox, which I don’t want to get into right now.
I haven’t even mentioned Wonder Woman, AKA Diana Prince, warrior princess of Themyscira. Wonder Woman periodically shows up at parties to annoy Bruce Wayne. She steals some computer files from Lex Luthor during a fundraiser for a library or something. Then, Bruce and Diana meet at a totally different party where they stare at a dagger in a glass case. You may have wondered whose party that was, why either of the characters were at that party, and what the point of the knife in the box was. Look, cool people get invited to parties all the time that you don’t know about. You should be used to this by now. Stop asking. It makes you look desperate.
Bruce Wayne opens up Lex Luthor’s computer files and discovers a photo of Wonder Woman from the first world war, plus some trailers for other Warner Bros movies. Luthor even designed logos for all of these movies in Adobe Illustrator. Why does Lex Luthor have four blatant bits of product placement on his computer? Because he’s been maintaining a secret double life as a film publicist. You thought running a multinational corporation while trying to murder an indestructible flying alien was hard? Try selling the Aquaman movie.
Pow! This isn't Batman v Superman. Whack! It's Wonder Woman v Supersexism
Back to Superman, he’s quite depressed over the mixed reaction to his theatrical heroics, and I don’t mean the reviews for Man of Steel either. Some worship him for his daring deeds, while others are terrified of the unchecked power he wields. Using that divided public opinion against him, Lex Luthor attempts to frame Superman for a variety of very un-Superman activities – shooting up a village, neglecting to stop a suicide bomber, and drinking red wine with seafood. Of course, Superman would do none of these things, but that doesn’t stop the public from turning on him, playing directly into Luthor’s hands.
Dejected, Superman flies off to Buffalo, New York, or some other desolate, snow-covered landscape. There, we are treated to yet another dream sequence. This time, Clark Kent imagines seeing his father throwing bricks on to a pile of other bricks while telling a story about inadvertently ruining the lives of his neighbors during a flood. At this point, you may have asked yourself why Superman flew out to this barren wasteland. You may have also asked what that pile of rocks was? Maybe you thought it was the place where Clark Kent’s dad is buried, but I’m fairly certain it’s been established that he was buried on the Kent farm. So why the hell is Superman having visions of his dead dad in the middle of nowhere? As with everything, there is a simple answer. Nothing reminds me more of Kevin Costner’s acting than a pile of rocks, bricks and twigs in the snow. So, it’s natural that when one sees a pile of inanimate objects, one would pause to consider Kevin Costner. This movie makes perfect sense.
Considering the title of the film, Batman and Superman fight toward the end of the story. It’s as brutal and ruthless as it is boring, with the fisticuffs coming to an abrupt end when Batman realizes that his mom and Superman’s mom have the same first name. If only Biggie and Tupac’s moms had the same first name. They might still be here today.
Lex Luthor’s monster, Doomsday, is unleashed and Batman, Superman and Wonder Woman join forces to defeat him. Why did Lex Luthor create a monster he couldn’t control when he easily could have just shot Superman with a kryptonite rocket 30 minutes into the movie? Why did he waste all of that time convincing Batman and Superman to fight if he was just going to create Doomsday? What if Batman killed Superman? Would Lex Luthor still have a need for a rampaging, uncontrollable beast?
At the end of the film, Superman sacrifices himself to defeat Doomsday, leaving Batman and Wonder Woman to form the Justice League in his absence. Lex Luthor has gone crazy (because he is a malfunctioning android) and has had his head shaved because long hair is strictly forbidden in solitary confinement, as everyone knows. He could have hidden a knife or a grenade in that moptop. Batman mourns his friend, who he had been pals with for a grand total of a couple hours and had previously been single-mindedly obsessed with murdering. Why was Batman so broken up about the death of a man he had spent two years despising? Because, as a great man (me) once said (right now, for the first time), the greatest friendships are the ones that burn out the quickest. If you learn anything from this movie, it should be that. If I were Warner Bros, I’d be throwing that brilliant aphorism on a T-shirt right now.
